The sweet reveries of the cosmos ✩

  I love solitude. But I loathe solitude. I love the quietness, but the quietness makes me feel sad. The constant battle between wanting to be alone and wanting to be with everyone is a struggle. Because sometimes I end up cutting people off for the sake of being alone, but then I would miss them and beg for them to comeback. I don't know how to balance my want for solitude and company. I love them both but I find it hard to balance them, maybe one day I can finally choose loneliness without cutting people off. And I hope that day comes.

  Favorite person in BPD is someone who you think you can't live without, at least that's how I understand it. I used to have an FP, they were my oxygen and it felt as if I exist because of them. I wish I knew how unhealthy it was for me, but, even though I'm aware that this is extremely toxic and unhealthy — I still yearn for an FP. I feel like my life isn't worth living out without someone. Anyway, because of this, I developed severe attachment issues to almost everyone I meet. And whenever I don't get their attention right away, I feel hurt to the point where I could blow up on them and tell them how much I hate them for not giving me their attention. Example: there's this guy I like and we talk everyday, when he won't talk to me or he shows signs that he doesn't want to talk to me I would become angry and think about cutting him off completely because he didn't spare me his attention for a day or so. But if he would give me his attention, I would

Neon Genesis Evangelion Episode 12: She said, "don't make other suffer for your personal hatred". Acting on anger is a foolish mistake. It can be avoidable but for an emotion as strong as anger, sometimes we can't help but do something because of it. I have horrible anger issues and horrible anger management, and I'm here to say this because acting on wrath can make you lose everything before you even know it. I've broken things in a heartbeat because of my anger and no matter how much I try to calm myself down by doing calm things, it just wouldn't work because I always feel the need to hurt something or someone. And that is obviously not a good thing, so I avoid being around things and people when I'm angry because I know I'll end up breaking something or hurting someone. And this blog is written for me and for people who always seem to put people under a lot of pain when they're mad. Trust me, it is NOT worth breaking something or hurting so

The end justifies the means "wrong or unfair methods may be used if the overall goal is good". I abide by this saying and I wonder if people actually go with it. Would people think I'm a bad person for following it? Probably. Because as far as I know, people like being fair when it comes to situations and I agree. We have to be fair but there are instances wherein we have to resort to using unfair methods to get a good outcome.

3 AM is such a bad hour. As cheesy as it sounds, the horrible thoughts come alive at that time. I'm scared of it, not because the thoughts are scary. I'm scared because I'll end up doing things that are irreversible. I end up saying things that I don't mean. My thoughts are always scattered when it's midnight, I try to fall asleep as early as I could to avoid this but I just can't for some reason. And another reason to as why this blog exists is because I want to talk about things like this, sometimes I can't tell the people around me these things directly so I'll just post it here hm.

  Hi. There's currently a storm in my city right now and I've been feeling really cold. The electricity went out a few times and I can't sleep because of it. Anyway, I'm slightly annoyed right now. Slightly annoyed in my book means "on the verge of splitting on an innocent person". Yes, I'm genuinely angry at this person to the point where I'd cut them off but they did nothing that caused me harm, they just did something that annoyed me. Yes there is something wrong with me. which explains the split and unreasonable anger. And I feel angry to the point where it's actually making me feel warm. I guess being angry can help me survive the storm haha.